Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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