I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
