Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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