She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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