did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
