I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
