Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
