come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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