dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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