I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
