Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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