there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
