I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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