her vagine was all disorganized.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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