I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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