You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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