I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
accomplished twins. life is a go
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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