Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
