i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
