Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
