Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
