I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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