I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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