I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Randomize
