Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
