Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
