hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
