I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
