There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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