Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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