How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
