We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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