I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I AM VODKA MAN
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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