Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
