That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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