true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
