Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
