Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
