White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
