Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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