Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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