I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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