i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
