She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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