If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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