i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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