i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
