listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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