I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
