I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
