I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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